I can’t believe it. Another year is almost gone. 2016 is already peaking behind the shadows, ready to make its grand entrance. Time for everyone to start their New Year resolutions (some of them being from the ones they didn’t finish this year). It’s time for everyone to start doing that thing where they announce that it’s time to cut some people off because “it’s just going to be them in [enter year here]”. I’ve already seen a couple posts talking about new year, new me.
It’s time for people to start reflecting on how great the year has been to them. Well, I don’t make New Year resolutions. I don’t make intend to cut anybody off in the near future. I definitely can’t reflect on how good 2015 has been to me.
I’m tired. I’m dog tired of pretending to everyone (my family, my friends, co-workers) that I’m fine. I’m not fine and everything is not going great. This year, I have been depressed. I’ve tried to hide it from everyone that cares for me. I was afraid to tell anyone because I feared what people would say.
I’ve been living 2015 in so much fear. I took a few chances but all those chances had negative effects. Twenty-four was anything but my Kobe year. I’ve been heartbroken, I’ve gotten into an accident (less than a week of getting my new car), the damages and insurance are about to drain my already thirsty pockets, I’m living with my parents (under their Wi-Fi as I write this), still abiding by their rules.
My best friend is miles away from me and it sucks I can only talk to her through the screen on my phone. I have two half-finished novels sitting on my desktop because I’m afraid that by finishing them means I have to turn them in. By turning them in, that means I have to mentally prepare myself for a rejection that may or may not come. If I’ve ever talked to one of you long enough or you know me well, then you know rejection gets very hard for me.
I’ve doubted my purpose so long this year. I’ve not touched my laptop since May. Call it writer’s block if you want, but it’s been hard for me. I’ve been living in a huge slump. This year has not been LIT.
I’ve been living to paycheck to paycheck. I save a little bit, but when things need to be taken care of, it needs to be taken care of. (Bills were something created by the Devil himself to reassure we don’t get to far ahead, or what that the government?)
I have to make sure everything and everyone else is good first. But I’ve not been taking care of myself. I haven’t made time for myself. I honestly don’t know where DayJonnae is.
I’m trying to find her. I’m have to find the me I used to be. The me that at one point I was in love with and not this shell of a human being that I’ve become. I’m not happy with myself and I’m trying to get to happy. That starts now. I’m done with trying to please people if that means putting myself last.
I care for everyone around me and I would put my life for every single one of them multiple times if I could, that won’t ever stop. But I can’t keep telling you all that I love you, if I don’t love myself, and I need so strongly to get back to that.
That’s why I cut my hair a few weeks ago. Symbolically (and literally) I’m starting all over. My best friend has been asking me for weeks why. Well now you have your answer Shawnique. With each section that I cut I was attempting to cut off a layer of fear. (Cutting my hair was just something I would have never done.)
I do love the new look. I am hoping to love the inner look too. Hope you all do too.